Dumas 4
Before we are moms, we are women. Before we are women, we are girls. Before we are girls we are children. Few things have stayed constant in my life through all of these stages. My family, my faith and the desire to be a mother. I loved baby dolls as a child. I would enter a world where I was in control of those around me and they had to do what I told them. I foolishly thought that would happen when I became a mother. When I was a girl, I decided I would have 3 children. Two girls and a boy, just as my mother had. I foolishly thought that I got to decide these things when I became a mother. When I became a woman, I decided I would also have a wonderful career alongside these 3 perfect children. I foolishly thought I could do it all. As I lay here in bed recovering from a very simple surgery that had lasting effects on my ability to have more children, there is a photo in my direct line of sight. Its a black and white photo that I cherish. It is from a vacation we took before Emma was even 1 year old. We went to Colorado for a week in the summer to escape the heat of Texas, and the busyness of life. On our way home we stopped in Dumas, TX for a picture. There are not that many people who have the honor of having a last name like Dumas. It is often mispronounced, I'm sure my husband was teased terribly as a child, and I'm certain my daughters will hate it when they hit the 'tween years. But I married into this name. It came with the man I love so I like it. Just before you get to Dumas, Texas, there is a sign that reads "Dumas 4" indicating that you are just 4 miles from the thriving metropolis of Dumas, Texas (population 13,747, a quarter the size of the college I went to). I made my husband and my two daughters (and even my cousin Caitlin who came with us on this trip) get out and take a picture with this sign. At the last second, as the baby was crying and the toddler was whining, I just looked up and snapped one last photo of this sign. I eventually had a black and white made of it and I've always loved it but the "4" part of "Dumas 4" never meant much to me. I always planned that our family would be a family of 5 eventually. Today though, it reminds me that when I snapped that photo, on the side of the highway, in 100 degree heat, God knew I would need a sign. Dumas 4. It is, and always was, His plan for my life. I'm thankful for my sign. I needed a sign. I'd like to have that sign. I wonder what the fine is for stealing a sign that reads "Dumas 4." It might be worth it.
New Dumas4
Two years ago, Dumas4 changed. The patriarch of our family decided he wanted out of our marriage. For reasons I will never fully understand, he moved out and he later divorced me. It hasn’t been easy for me or the girls but we are ok. The four of us have been on a roller coaster I would not wish on anyone but now two years later, we are in a pretty good place. John lives nearby and the girls see him often. Time has moved on through the heartbreak even though I didn’t believe it would. I’ve felt sadness and anger and now I’m beginning to feel acceptance. I wish it had never happened but you can’t turn back time. It’s like a bell, and I can’t unring it. We don’t look like the same Dumas4 we once were but that’s ok. People change, children grow up, marriages end. We are still the Dumas4. We will always be connected. We will always be family. Brooke and Emma will always be our daughters. Dumas4 will always share a strong love for each other. I’m forever grateful for this family we have even though it doesn’t look like I always believed it would.
If you are reading this blog, you most likely know me. This information is not new to you but perhaps my feelings about it are new. The end of my marriage broke my heart into a thousand pieces but one by one those pieces are finding their way back together. Life is messy and complicated and hard. I’m not great at it. I’m struggling and make mistakes constantly but I’ll keeping trying.
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