Dumas 4
Before we are moms, we are women. Before we are women, we are girls. Before we are girls we are children. Few things have stayed constant in my life through all of these stages. My family, my faith and the desire to be a mother. I loved baby dolls as a child. I would enter a world where I was in control of those around me and they had to do what I told them. I foolishly thought that would happen when I became a mother. When I was a girl, I decided I would have 3 children. Two girls and a boy, just as my mother had. I foolishly thought that I got to decide these things when I became a mother. When I became a woman, I decided I would also have a wonderful career alongside these 3 perfect children. I foolishly thought I could do it all. As I lay here in bed recovering from a very simple surgery that had lasting effects on my ability to have more children, there is a photo in my direct line of sight. Its a black and white photo that I cherish. It is from a vacation we took before Emma was even 1 year old. We went to Colorado for a week in the summer to escape the heat of Texas, and the busyness of life. On our way home we stopped in Dumas, TX for a picture. There are not that many people who have the honor of having a last name like Dumas. It is often mispronounced, I'm sure my husband was teased terribly as a child, and I'm certain my daughters will hate it when they hit the 'tween years. But I married into this name. It came with the man I love so I like it. Just before you get to Dumas, Texas, there is a sign that reads "Dumas 4" indicating that you are just 4 miles from the thriving metropolis of Dumas, Texas (population 13,747, a quarter the size of the college I went to). I made my husband and my two daughters (and even my cousin Caitlin who came with us on this trip) get out and take a picture with this sign. At the last second, as the baby was crying and the toddler was whining, I just looked up and snapped one last photo of this sign. I eventually had a black and white made of it and I've always loved it but the "4" part of "Dumas 4" never meant much to me. I always planned that our family would be a family of 5 eventually. Today though, it reminds me that when I snapped that photo, on the side of the highway, in 100 degree heat, God knew I would need a sign. Dumas 4. It is, and always was, His plan for my life. I'm thankful for my sign. I needed a sign. I'd like to have that sign. I wonder what the fine is for stealing a sign that reads "Dumas 4." It might be worth it.
MY BABY
My baby is sick tonight. She has a fever and she is miserable. She’s crying a lot and I had to pat her on the back until she could fall asleep. Actually, she’s not a baby anymore. She’s 4. There are days that I am so glad she’s not so tiny any more (like when she sleeps for 9 hours at night) but some days I just wish she was my baby again. When she’s sick, she is very clingy and wants to be held. She asked me to lay next to her in bed while she took a nap in case she needed me. Its nice to be needed. There are days that I’m not really needed. She goes to school 3 days a week now. She likes to color alone and she no longer appreciates my recommendations for play dough color combinations. If her daddy is home, she prefers to be with him instead of me, even if all he is doing is watching football on TV. But when she’s sick, it’s like she’s 3 months old again and only mommy can make it better. Only I knew how to hold her to calm her down. Only I could sing “Love Me Tender” to make her fall asleep. Only I could juggle the bottle and the silky blankie in the correct position to get her to settle down and eat. She needed me. Now when I look at her, I think I need her more than she needs me. I hate it when she’s sick but it does remind me that I am still her mommy, and she is still my baby, and she needs me. I hope she feels better tomorrow but if she still has a fever, I’ll be there for her. I’ll scratch her back, I’ll bring endless sippy cups of Sprite, and I’ll get whatever she needs. I hope it’s me she needs, because I need her.
2 comments:
I hear ya. The girls were playing by themselves this morning, and I tried to chime in to their conversation, and Taylor yelled back "We weren't talking to you mom, don't listen to our conversation."
I hope Emma feels better soon.
I need my babies also, and I hope that they will always need me. Daddies just can't comfort like a mommy can.
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